The Story of Why I Am in This Situation

When I was 18, I became a Christian, even though I wasn’t raised in the faith. It happened after I had a dream where Jesus Christ cast me into a giant pit. I woke up scared and decided it was now or never. For the first time in my life, I had faith, and I was comforted by the Holy Ghost. I can’t remember everything that happened after that, but I do recall my first willful sin as a new Christian—masturbation—something I struggled with. I did it in a way that made me feel like Jesus himself had prophesied my death because of it. After that, I went through a period that’s hard to sum up; my memory of those times is hazy. I can say I was involved in far more than just that sin. With a laptop at hand, I got caught up in all kinds of ideas, temptations, and sinful things online. I remember playing video games and living like I wasn’t a Christian at all.

Even then, I remembered being taught by a woman who seemed different, and I was trying to understand her and what she was saying while feeling like I was in an unseen battle. I knew I was sinful and not doing the right thing, involved in many questionable actions. I sought deliverance and was freed from rage and shame, but I kept hearing blasphemies against the Holy Ghost and was terrified of damning myself. Decades later, I realized it was a demon called the Red Queen, also known as the False Comforter, who could blaspheme and make you think it was you. It wasn’t just her—there was also another demon called Kami, which I encountered because of the ending of the Neon Genesis Evangelion franchise. I believe such things should not be watched, whether inside or outside of faith and Christianity, and I think the devil must have been behind it all.

I believed Father God’s name was Yahweh, and I prayed to Him. My first prayer was asking for protection when things went bad. At the time, I was a conspiracy theorist with no real understanding of much, but I still prayed to Yahweh. When I tried to pray a second time, I couldn’t think of anything to say, whether to Father God or Yahweh. I thought I messed up because my prayer reached heaven but was never spoken aloud, and I’ve wondered about that ever since. During that time at the house, I wasn’t ready to become a Christian, but I still held onto faith. Eventually, I stopped having faith in the name Jesus Christ because a woman I listened to said it wasn’t the right name. Around then, I went through a wilderness experience and truly thought the Holy Ghost had left me. I forced myself to believe that couldn’t be true because I was still saved and could still live as a Christian. For some reason, I thought I was damned, but I knew that wasn’t right. The Lord’s presence, the Shekinah, felt gone, and I wasn’t ready for that. My only comfort was reminding myself I wasn’t damned.

I began to have faith in the name Yahshua, and even now I hold onto that faith by force, though I don’t want to. It’s my personal choice, but it seems the demons don’t want me to abandon Yahshua—trapping me in that faith suits their evil plans better. After the name of Jesus Christ lost its power for me, I couldn’t do anything with it, nor with the name Yahshua at that time. Looking back, I was weak in both body and spirit, and I don’t know why I couldn’t find even a little strength. I wondered why these things happened and why it all unfolded as it did. The deliverance I sought was painful, and I couldn’t do it alone because it hurt more than anyone could realize. I wanted deliverance and more, and it seemed within reach, but then I had a dream of a demon named Arshyl trying to sodomize me. He was the strongman in me, homosexual, and attacked me almost every night while I slept, though I am not homosexual. I remember once calling the devil gay, and in revenge, he sent Arshyl—an incubus demon—to assault me in my sleep. He didn’t stop, and later I found myself dealing with a giant named Gershom, also homosexual. It seemed they had sent demons of homosexuality to attack me as punishment for my words against the devil.

It was all strange, and the attack felt unnecessary. I remember trying to get deliverance from whatever was blaspheming against the Holy Ghost. At first, I thought it was kundalini, but I was wrong—it was Red Queen and Kami, and they kept at it, even blaspheming into the seal of the Holy Spirit on me until it fell off. After that, there were no more blasphemous thoughts because Red Queen had gone right into the seal’s keyhole. Then my fight became one against a flood of demons coming in—not just my own wrong thinking. They forced me into that situation, and it seemed like God didn’t care. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I guess that’s what happens to people like me. I also remember breaking a fast and seeing a vision of something stabbing me in the back—it looked like a woman. Decades later, I learned it really was a woman, Listeria or Lesteria, who became my wife, though I didn’t understand any of it then. Father God never told me to remember it or explained what it meant. That was around the time I left that house, thinking I was on the path to deliverance, but I ended up in an even worse situation.

I won’t forget when I was new to Christianity but experiencing things like a seasoned believer would. I remember thinking I had found the Antichrist, but I’ll share more about that in my next post.